Snow White and the 7 Psychological Disorders

Partner Project (with Drew) for AP Psychology to rewrite a fairy tale with the characters having psychological disorders. (Drew wrote most of it since I am a bad fiction writer)

Story

"Where am I? What is this place? Is that dirt on my shoe! They cost $50! I can let them have a speck of dirt on them! Why is that flower crooked? It should stand straight or not at all! Where is the order??? Who designed this? What's that buzzing?!? Get AWAY from me!!!! What pesky things; they should be banished!

What's this a little house? Perhaps a nice man could tell me what is going on and where I am. Perhaps they will have some nice tea in a proper tea set. I just can't stand tea not served in a proper tea service! Look is it too much for the saucer matches the cup???

Hello, is anyone home? Hello?", said Snow White.

"Hey there!", a voice called.

"Who is it?" said Snow White. Seven dwarves came running from the house and out of the forest and surrounded Snow White. The lead dwarf stepped forward, bowed low to the ground, and kissed Snow White on the hand.

"I'm Doc, and these are my six brrrrrrrrothers! Their names are Happy, Grum Grum Grum Grrruuuumpy, Sneezey, Sleepy, Baaaashful and Dopey. I'm puh-puh-puh-leased to make your acquaintance. Who are you?"

"My name is..." Snow White began to say, until she realized that the dwarf named Happy had taken over the kissing for Doc but instead was slowly and romantically kissing up her arm.

"Get off of me, perv!" Snow White screamed, kicking Happy in the shin.

"Hehehehe anything you say, babe..." Happy murmured.

"Get off of me, perv! What a won, won, wonderful name!" Doc exclaimed.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Snow White shouted, "I can't deal with this any more! You, you, you, you, you, you, and you! Get in line! NOW!" The dwarves jumped twice their height into the air and scurried into an orderly line. "Now..." Snow White said to the first dwarf, who was wearing heavy eye makeup," Who are you?"

"I'm, uh," the emo first dwarf said, "I'm, uh, well, um, I'm, uh, DON'T TALK TO ME!" The dwarf pulled his hat over his eyes and ran into the house sobbing. On the way he tripped over a dwarf that was lying on the ground, apparently asleep. "Move Sleepy! Why won't you move for me! Why!?" sobbed the dwarf.

Snow White gave the other dwarves a puzzled look. The next dwarf said, "That was Bashful. He's very shy and emotional... and rightfully so since I hate him."

Snow White glared at the dwarf and said, "Why do you-"

"I HATE EVERYONE!!! I HATE HIM, I HATE YOU, I HATE ME, I HATE EVERYONE!!!" the dwarf, who's name was Grumpy, screamed as he dropped to his knees and grabbed and pulled his hair.

"Um...ok, sorry," said Snow White, slowly backing away from the shrieking dwarf. She bumped into one of the other dwarves, who had come rushing to the aid of Grumpy. The dwarf stopped dead in his tracks and stared at his hands that had brushed against Snow White.

"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! GERMS! Oh God! Now look what you've done you've gone and given me syphilis!"

"Syphilis?" said Snow White, "I barely touched you!"

"I don't care, you definitely gave me syphilis. If not that then malaria or the bubonic plague or something. God I feel so gross right now I need a shower."

"Ayo Sneezy! Chill you crazy f-ing dwarf!" growled Grumpy, who had calmed himself down and was now advancing on the hypochondriac dwarf named Sneezy.

"You don't know where she's been! You don't know what she has!" yelled Sneezy.

"Yeah, but I know where you're going to be soon! Dead!" yelled Grumpy as he ran towards Sneezy.

"Leave Sneezy alone! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Bashful cried as he tried to pull Grumpy off of Sneezy while applying more eyeliner to his teary eyes.

"Break it uuuu-uuuu-uuup!" yelled Doc, his arms outstretched.

"I'm gonna kill all of you little punks! You never show me any respect!" Grumpy yelled as he lunged at Doc.

All the dwarves pounced on each other and began to fight. Snow White ran screaming from the brawling crowd of fun sized men and into the arms of the only dwarf not fighting, who was named Dopey.

"Ah! You're so pretty! Get away from me! Help! Help!" squealed the dwarf.

Happy poked his head up from the melee and said "Hey Dopey! She's mine man, don't get any ideas!"

"I can't deal with this madness! You dwarves are all so crazy!" Snow White said. She turned and ran crying into the forest.

"Wait!" exclaimed Doc, "I'm s-s-sorry please come back!"

Doc tried to run after Snow White, but was pulled back into the battle by the beard by a rampaging Grumpy.

Later that day after Snow White had calmed herself she became concerned that the little men may have actually killed each other. She didn't want to go back, but her conscience told her she had to, and besides, the forest was filthy.

Snow White cautiously approached the dwarves house, half expecting to find piles of maimed dwarf bodies strewn about, and saw that everything seemed to be normal. Perplexed, she knocked on the door.

Doc answered the door and gave Snow White a huge hug. "Thank you so much for coming back!" he said. His eye was blackened and he had a throbbing, red lump on his forehead. Snow White peaked around Doc and saw that the other dwarves, who were spread over the living room, were in similar states of injury.

"I'm s-sorry you had to s-see that," Doc said, "Unfortunately fights like that are a common occurrence here"

"It's alright..." Snow White quietly said, "Is everyone ok?"

"More or l-l-less," Doc stammered, " Grumpy has a-a-a bruised self esteeeeeem but that's typical." Snow White saw that Grumpy was sitting on a stool in a dark corner with his head in his hands.

"Im sorry to hear that," Snow White said.

"Heeeeyyyy, pretty lady, do you want to help us work", Happy interrupted from the corner.

"Sure, as long as I don't get my hands dirty," said Snow White.

"Well we need to wash the blood out of our clothes. It's unsanitary, you know. And don't worry it wont be boring we sing while we work!" said Sneezy.

"Ok," said Snow White, as she and the 7 dwarves got up and walked over to the river to a pile of washboards.

"Don't take my washboard," said Sneezy, pointing towards the pile of washboards, "No one else is allowed to get their dirty germs on my washboard. And that is Bashful and Grumpy's washboard, they just are too ashamed to tell you that they don't like when anyone uses theirs."

"All right," said Snow White. "Grumpy cheer up! I have not seen you smile all day!"

"I guess I don't find enjoyment in this anymore. It's just the same old things day in and day out. Why bother? Why try anymore? Why keep living," mumbled Grumpy.

"Come on Grumpy, we finally have a guest! And the guest is a girl, Grumpy, a girl! Isn't she exciting...and hot?", said Happy.

"Mumph!", grunted Grumpy.

"Come on man, she SMOKING!" exclaimed Happy.

"What happened to Sleepy?" asked Snow White, ignoring Happy.

"Oh, a sleep attack. He just falls over and starts sleeping at random times during the day. Don't worry, he will be up in a half hour and he will have no recollection of what happened," said Grumpy.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs worked for several minutes. Then Doc broke the silence by saying “Hooowww dooo you you you like it here?”

“I don’t know,” said Snow White. “I miss my home and it is very dirty here. You little guys have been nice to me, but I can’t see myself washing clothes everyday for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t even be doing this now; the dirt will clog my pores. I must remember to exfoliate when I get home. Actually I should be leaving now… And speaking of that, what type of transportation do you have around here?”

"Walking," said Dopey.

"Walking! That hurts my feet, ruins my complexion, and it'll make these cute little shoes I just got on sale all muddy"

"What a spoiled brat," said Grumpy under his breath. "I can't wait till she leaves me alone. She's throwing Dopey into a tizzy."

Snow White glanced at Dopey, who was staring and Snow White and shivering, and continued as she had not heard what Grumpy had said, "Well I really must be going now! Goodbye Happy, and no I will not kiss you goodbye stay away from me. Sneezy, I'd hug you but I'd make you think you have gonorrhea or something. Also I read somewhere that coming into contact with germs makes you stronger the next time. Bashful, come here shake my hand; I know Sneezy won't. Dopey, you need to get out more, meet some pretty ladies. How about a vacation? Sleepy, I know you can't hear me, but I don't want to wake you. Doc, I know of some good speech therapists back where I come from, I'll refer you to a good one. Grumpy, cheer up. You can't always be grumpy, no one hates you. When I am in a bad mood, I just smile and I feel a lot better. Perhaps you could try that sometime. Have a nice day everyone!"

"Thanks for helping us," said Happy. "Be sure to come back and visit me, mi amore!!! I'll be waaaaitttinnng"

"Cut it out," muttered Grumpy. "I think I would actually be happy if I never saw that lady again! What a bunch of trouble." And with that Snow White started back home.